Everything You Ever Wanted by Luiza Sauma

Author:Luiza Sauma [Sauma, Luiza]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Books Ltd
Published: 2019-05-01T16:00:00+00:00

14.

Say Something, Anything

The night before Iris flew to Los Angeles, she said goodbye to her family. Eleanor insisted on going to a fancy restaurant in town, to make it special. Iris suspected that this was a way of containing their emotions. Saying goodbye in public ensured that no one could become too hysterical, though Iris thought she could see tears glistening in her mother’s eyes, over dinner. Eleanor looked like she wanted to say something. Several times, she opened her mouth, took a breath, changed her mind and closed it again. Say it, thought Iris. Just say it. Iris would rather have eaten at their house in Tufnell Park, watched an old film and slept on the floor of Mona’s room, listening to her breathing in the night. Perhaps they could have driven her to the airport the next day. But no, they didn’t offer to do this. Iris would spend her last night in Clapton, in her empty bedroom. She had given away most of her clothes and belongings. Kiran’s new flatmate would arrive a few days later.

After dinner, Iris hugged all of her family in the street. She made the first move. Jack was surprisingly warm and bear-like. Mona squeezed her in a life-or-death clench, her arms tugging painfully at Iris’s long, loose hair. When she pulled away, Mona was crying. Iris wasn’t, because the situation was too bizarre to feel real. And then Eleanor stepped forward. She held Iris, but didn’t speak and wouldn’t let go. Iris eventually had to take a step back. She could still change her mind, but how awkward would that be? It would be even more awkward than her failed suicide attempt, because everyone would know. What would she do if she changed her mind – go back to Freedom & Co? To Eddie? To her parents’ house? What would she do with her time on Earth? She didn’t have any ideas.

Finally, her mother said something, her voice barely audible: ‘Jack, please.’

Jack stepped forward and took Iris by the shoulders, gently. ‘Iris, we think you should stay.’

‘Wh– what are you doing?’

‘You don’t have to go through with this.’

Iris looked at her mother. She still didn’t speak, but her face trembled, as if on the verge of collapse. Say something, thought Iris. Anything.

‘What is this?’ said Iris. ‘An intervention?’

‘You can move back in with us,’ said Jack, ‘and we can work through this together. You can get another job or you can just … rest for a while, and think about what you want to do next.’

‘This is what I want to do next.’

‘Iris,’ said Eleanor, and everything seemed to go silent – the people around them, the honking cars. She put a hand on Iris’s arm. ‘Iris.’

Mona pushed Eleanor out of the way and grabbed both of Iris’s hands. She was crying freely with snot running from her nose into her mouth.

‘Iris, what are you doing?’ she sobbed. ‘Don’t leave me, Iris. Don’t go.’

The silence had dissipated. Passers-by were looking at them. Cars were speeding by.

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